[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A choir of Spring onions
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Feels
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go