The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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a public service announcement
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
This hospital has everything
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!