I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I have a type: disappointing
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!