Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You Might Also Like
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
🤣
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Thursday
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.