COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
That stupid look on my face, is my face
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
A great tip. #CakeRex
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys