On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god