This kid will have a bright future.
You Might Also Like
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Beware of the dog..
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me too
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*