Netflix and you sit over there.
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?