ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
oh shit
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Cats are still liquid.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.