I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
United Steaks of America
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Happy Thanksgiving
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I laughed at this way too hard.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.