Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
You Might Also Like
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
@funTweeters
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)