Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”