Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
What flavor cupcake are these
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty