[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
🙂🙃🥹
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
#oldknees
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.