“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
You Might Also Like
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.