toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The first one, obviously
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”