[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.