Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Children of the corn 🌽
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
This took me a second..
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.