Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
live, laugh, laundry.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
when you are just born a rebel
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
This is amazing.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services