Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
my fav colour is also hitler
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one