I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
How dude HOW?!
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.