Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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what day is it?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
this is uni
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.