[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.