[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments