As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Just why bro?!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it