One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “