Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit