CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
best review i’ve ever seen
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket