I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.