the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
New mindset, who dis?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING