i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone