if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.