Good news
You Might Also Like
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Terribly Tuesday.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
brian had himself a morning…
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time