I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.