INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Who knew!
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”