Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Had an epiphany today.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.