There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
bears
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies