I feel it
You Might Also Like
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
is this how new cars are made??
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I saw this ending much differently.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.