While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth