5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping