My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
grotesque if literal: baby food
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.