If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You Might Also Like
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*