[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke