How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
me hitting on a model
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.