[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!