Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”