People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.