*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…