She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.