New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.